don't you understand, i'm never changing who i am

"You’re loud.”

It’s a statement I’ve heard a number of times, and I couldn’t agree any more. But believe me, I’ve tried to be someone else. I’ve tried to keep my “cool” and be a quiet person who wanted to go with the flow. I've tried to be serious, tried to be calm.

And I just couldn’t.

There’s a spark inside of me that screams to start a flame, to be the real me and tell someone a joke already. It hollers to start bringing in those stories that I heard over the weekend, to start a laughing chain, or to start dancing my “so called” ballet in the middle of the hallway. It’s that spark that dares me to make the first move, to be a risk taker and to be the different person. It challenges me to be better at what I do to—and it constantly reminds me that it’s always better to do things when I having fun.

Although it isn’t always so happy-go-lucky for me. Sometimes people think otherwise about me. Sometimes they hate it, or they’re annoyed. And all of that causes me to try and be or act like a different person; to live inside the deep ends of the cave of fear where I’m drenched in pretending to be someone I’m not.

Well, live and learn, right?

It pains me to say so, but I’m not always going to make everyone happy. I’m not always going to be able to make someone smile or laugh. Some people find interest in other things, some people are going through stages in life that I probably will never be able to understand. And it hurts. It hurts that there are some people that I can’t find emotion in. It hurts that some people think that what I do or say could be weird. But I’ve learned that these people—that anything at all—shouldn’t give me the permission to be someone else, because this is who I am, and there is nobody in this world that can change that.

So. Back to the start.

Nice to meet you. I am Stella.
I am loud, and I love it.   

(remember a time you were very happy)

she was leading 4-2. one more point for her, and she'd lead by three sets.
but if i got this serve in, i'd have a better chance.
ace. back to deuce. one more serve.
in. she gives me a backhand and i kill it. 4-3.

i never expected it to be that way, my first tennis game. my teammates were depending on me - screaming my name repetitively from behind the metal fence. my parents were watching, and this was my chance to show them that i had a bit of the athlete in me. just a bit of it. although the pressure sunk in heavily, all the pep talks from my coach, all the laps we had to run, all the drills we had to do - led to this.

and i won that game, 6-5.
i was so, so happy.

you see, i choose to be happy almost all the time. this happy, however, was at a whole different level: not the kind of happy that i feel when i jump into a cold swimming pool on a scorching summer afternoon, or the kind of happy when i witness someone trying nutella for the first time. it was earned happiness, a deserved kind of happiness. all the hard work for an earned feeling - a feeling that is initially expected and desired, then sooner attained.

and so;
i remember how my parents kept their hands on my shoulders, as if they were showing me off like a huge sweepstake prize. i remember the feeling of anticipation when i hit my final backhand. i remember the big slap on my back that victory gave me the moment i saw the score board. and i remember giving off what seemed to be a smile to others, but so much more to me, inside.

merry christmas!!!

hello, december !

for saturdays,

for the scent of cinnamon on christmas eve,

for sprinkles and marshmallows on cupcakes,
for long, soothing bubble baths,

for a pizza delivery that comes in earlier,

for books with earned endings,
for lord of the rings,

for the rays of the sun that peek through my curtains every golden hour,

for friends that are always going to be there and;

for every little thing in this world that I don't deserve.

re-sult!

Besides adoring C Thomas Howell in The Outsiders, I have been so excited with these stuff that I scored from online! If you follow me on Instagram (stellapangilinan), some of you might know what I'm going all crazy about, but for the first time after so long, I've finally been able to find a box sitting on the kitchen table labelled to me!

And time has gone by so fast! I can't believe the year will be ending in a month.  I'll be fourteen in less than two months!