January 2, 2016

Chocolates, T.S Elliot and Noise

Sometimes I wonder if it's the author's writing or the way we read things that affect the way we view the work, but a protagonist named Jerry Renault changed my life. In eighth grade, our class was instructed to read Robert Cormier's "The Chocolate War", a middle schooler piece that tackles concepts of fear and individuality. To save you from spoilers (because I think you should read it), Jerry Renault's character is driven by T.S Elliot's words "Do I dare disturb the universe?". Our class dissected the quote and carefully looked into its meaning. Do I dare defy? Do I dare make change? Do I have the courage to disturb my universe? I love the saying so much that I chose it as my yearbook quote. Its rhetoric brevity creeps on my spine and tests my backbone and pushes me to think if I actually do choose to defy the conventions, if I actually do choose to defy the norm and it pushes me to think about the extent to which I do. In all honesty, for the longest time I've been this advocate of "disturbing my universe", of making change and of making noise so that people turn their heads and lend their ears and pay attention to what I have to say. I've learned that not everyone is always willing to do so. I've accepted that not everyone is willing to open their doors to newness and to change. But through the good and the bad, 2015 in its entirety made me think twice about the brave saying. It taught me something poignant about my ambition and advocacy. 

I kept trying to disturb my universe. I got so lost in this need to prove to everyone that I had so much substance to offer to the table and I had all these ideas that were packed for a trip to greatness. I was so obsessed by this idea of boldness, noise and reaction and I felt that everything I needed to do had to be aligned with disturbing the universe. And when it didn't? Oh man. I felt as if I let the whole world down. 

I can't stop laughing now. 

Dear me of 2015, you do not always have to disturb your universe. You have absolutely nothing to prove to anybody, so rid yourself of any hubris or of any subconscious aims to glorify yourself. It is OKAY if your essay is about a topic that's already been discussed before. It is OKAY if you fall short at giving someone the advice they need. It is OKAY if you cannot find the right words to explain how you feel. It is TOTALLY FINE if an idea you have is something that has already been thought of before. Besides, nothing is new under the sun. Not everything that you do must explicitly spell out some grandeur or your passion or your individuality. Not every essay that you write or every entry that you post needs to have that fluid of gold that spells out how unexplainably distinct you are from your peers or your competitors or the world. Sometimes all you need to is to give all that you are asked for and to follow it all through with diligence. 

Dear me of 2015, I hope you listen because I know how you feel. The noise can be so exciting and filling and it gives you purpose and fulfillment and satisfaction and thrill. I know you crave reaction, that you want the chemicals to explode with words and emotions pouring everywhere, where it's all stirring in people's minds. I know you want all the noise to somehow make a difference, but I hope that you realize that you can find the same fervor, intrigue and contentment in its absence. 

Happy new year :)

August 30, 2015

college essays got me like

What have I learned in my teen years? Oh wow. I’m answering this question again when I turn 20. But I’m sixteen and I’ve already learned so much. It pains me to think that I only have four more years in this "adventure", yet I am proud to say that I have an amazing feeling that these next four years are going to be some of the best of my life. My favorite age as a teenager was fourteen for reasons I can’t seem to name. Either that or I’m just a bit too lazy to name them. But this transition into the weird world? It’s one helluva of a transition. 
My favorite memories so far would definitely involve high school. I met so many people. All kinds of people. I made a solid group of friends that I know I'm going to remember forever. Lived through experiences that I know I’m going to forget soon: petty drama, weird situations, funny boy stories, fights with parents about college and the future, brilliant grades, horrible essays-- all of which have molded me into who I am today. By no means am I perfect. And by no means am I familiar with experience yet. I’m still quite naive. I’m just learning that everyday life is just whipping up extraordinary things. Anything can happen. Nothing is constant. Hope for the best. Expect the worst. Don’t dwell. Talk is cheap and people are liars, but you’ll always love them. Love books, not boys. Separate petty from the substantial. Lie if it saves you from useless drama. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Don't forget where you come from, don't forget who you are. Everyone's always trying to please somebody, so social status doesn’t matter. Maximize yourself. You are lost or saved by what you value. Nothing to prove, everything to improve. God above all.  

August 25, 2015


This summer, my family and I travelled to Italy. I left Manila feeling like I didn't want to leave at all, but I came back wondering why it took me so long to experience that kind of a trip. I felt different when I got back. The good kind of different, I'd hope. This sudden urge to become an accomplished teenager grew in me, and I suddenly have this goal to just make something out of myself and to just do something important and substantial already. I want my future self to justify these experiences, you know? I travel and I realize I can't be idle. I step out of my comfort zone and I realize that there is still so much for me to learn. There's a whole world out there and it's asking me to come visit. Can't wait.